The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
