I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
