I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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