Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
