They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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