You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
