Moan for me like Helen Keller
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
