So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
