I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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