ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
