watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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