I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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