I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
