he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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