my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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