does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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