There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
