The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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