i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
