Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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