hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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