Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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