I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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