my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize