I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
