We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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