I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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