So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
