Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
