and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
