fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize