Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
