I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
