I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think pants incapable of making pants work
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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