That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
