I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
