How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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