My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
