Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
