My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
