A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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