im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
