And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
