go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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