I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
