I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
