it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize