peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
