News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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