i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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