dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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