final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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