I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish you could order shots online.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize