I just cut my nipple shaving
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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