I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
