Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
