I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
