So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize