had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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