Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize