You can't special order awesome
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
